Communication is Hard

Whenever I want to leave a conversation ( esp. with a person I haven’t seen in a long time ) I get a glazed over ‘rainbow of peace’ look on my face.

I look them in the eyes, with a look that screams peace, peace, peace.

Peace be with you!

What I’m really saying is : Peace be with me, because I still don’t know how to get out of a conversation or say no.

This is a tactic to make myself relax. It’s not about the other person at all. I do this because I feel so so awkward. I like to think this makes me seem calm

From their perspective it probably looks like I’m a serial killer. I get a glazed-over look and they don’t know what to say. They get squirmy and then comes the weird silence.

If someone taped this interaction, I am sure it would look really disruptive to the flow of conversation.

I can just picture them telling their friends after, “and then she got this glazed-over look about her and I didn’t know what to do so I just had to excuse myself.”

But this means my plan worked. Haha!

For the moment, I didn’t have to say NO or be the bad guy or leave the conversation. Now, they just just know me as weird-girl who they’ll avoid in the future. Thank you for getting offended and giving me an exit plan. And for saving me the pain of future exit plan’s.

This is just one of the many social nuances people don’t talk about. I want to talk about them because I feed off awkwardness/feel awkward a lot of the time. It’s both a blessing and a curse.
When I was younger I didn’t notice these things at all. I talked to people all the time. I didn’t care who or where. I would come up to everyone and say, Hi!
Now there are boundaries, awkwardness’s, and grumpiness. People don’t want to deal with other people. Not after having to tolerate them for 8 hours. Not after so many other responsibilities.

Now when I say a random hello people think I’m weird or I want to sleep with them. Depending of who it is. These days are all about are exit strategies.

As far as I remember I didn’t feel this on the playground. But I do remember one time I asked the cool girls if I could play with them.
They had to talk about it. It was all very matter of fact. In my adult life I harbor resentment. How can they think I am not cool enough to collect sticks? ….Hey wait a minute?!

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