The Absence of Friendship
I have a lot in my life and I am very blessed. I have a man who adores me, I have two beautiful daughters, I have my health and I am truly happy. But there is one thing in my life that is missing, not exactly missing, just not something I have close by. Girlfriends.
I have girlfriends. I have a group of friends from school days and we have managed to become reunited despite the decades and distances that separate us. We call ourselves the Ya-Yas. We have nicknames and hats. We get together at least once a year at our high school homecoming and laugh and talk and drink. We dress up in feather boas and tiaras and we are even going to enter ourselves in the homecoming parade this year.
I have girlfriends from college and my sorority. They have stood by me during weddings and funerals. We don’t see each other often, but I know they are always a Facebook message away. We are trying to plan a girl’s weekend, maybe January in Napa Valley or Savannah, GA. Tiaras might be required.
My mom lives close by and we are really close, but she still is my mother and it’s just not the same. I spend vast amounts of time alone. I write, cook and read and I’m not really lonely, but I do feel the absence of close female friendship. Colby often tells me I need girlfriends and I need to spend time with them. My mom tells me I need to find girlfriends and spend time with them. Even my therapist tells me “we” need to find me some girlfriends.
It’s not like I don’t have them…as I’ve explained, but they just aren’t close by. I sort of feel like I should hang a sign around my neck that says, “Please be my friend.” Sort of pathetic, although I do agree that I need to find female friendship that is less geographically challenging. Facebook, Twitter and my blog have helped. I have followers from all around the country, but they are cyber acquaintances…not someone you can have coffee with or a good old-fashioned martini lunch. I met an amazing group of women at RAD camp and we definitely keep in touch, but I can’t sit with their kids if they need a break from motherhood or commiserate with them if we have had a horrible day with our RADishes.
My BFF, Brenda, spent the weekend with me and it was wonderful. We talked, and drank, and cooked, and drank, and shopped and drank. We even managed to fit in a Paul McCartney concert. Brenda and I started kindergarten together…in 1969. That is a really long time to know a person. I have so many countless stories of Brenda and all the fun we had growing up. I can’t really remember a time when she wasn’t in my life.
Except for the 27 some odd years we didn’t see each other or talk to each other. She had issues with her life and I went away to college. I ran into her once my senior year in college. I was busy with graduating credits, sorority and a boyfriend. She was married and had a young child. And then nothing. It wasn’t until almost three years ago when we happened to be on the same emailing list. Out of the blue she called me. I think that first call was at least two hours long. Two hours isn’t very long when you are catching up on almost 30 years. We continued to call each other and email, but it wasn’t until last fall that we saw each again. It was like the years disappeared. We had both aged, both physically and emotionally. She was married, had a grown son and a first grandchild soon to be on the way. While I was still in booster seats and kid’s menus, she was an empty nester. We represented both sides of the parenthood scale.
But it didn’t matter. Since last fall, we’ve spent more time together and countless hours on the phone. There might be a week or so when we disconnect from each other, but when are worlds are less chaotic…or we need moral support…the phone starts ringing again. This last visit was special because it was the first time she visited my home and met my husband and my littlest.
I put her to work while she was here. I had corn to cream, pickles to brine and basil to pesto-size. We almost communicated without words. She just seemed to know what I needed done. But maybe that is because of her psychic ability. Hmm…I’ll have to think about that one. It was joy having her in my home…sort of like a long, lost soul sister.
On the night before she left, we were lying on my deck drinking our second bottle of wine. It was dark outside and we could see the moon and stars. Somehow we started talking about the 30 years we weren’t in each other’s life. I admitted to not really remembering when she disappeared from my life. She was there and then she wasn’t, but I had to confess not thinking a lot about it. That makes me sad to realize that I let her vanish from my life without a fight. I’m ashamed.
Evidently she was having similar feelings. With tears in her voice, she regrets not reaching out to me when Tom died. She knew he had died in a plane crash and she knew when his memorial service was being held, but she didn’t come. She said she didn’t want to appear to out of the blue…didn’t want to look like a curiosity seeker.
She has regrets and I have regrets. I told her all of that didn’t matter…because what mattered now was that we were together again. From this day forward we would always be in each other’s life, whether we are five miles apart or 500 miles. There is some property for sale less than a mile away. I can’t imagine the trouble we would be in if we lived that close to each other. Maybe it is a good thing that we live seven hours apart.
So, I have friends, really great friends. Maybe I am a little short on coffee friends or martini lunch friends, but I am willing to be patient and take my time meeting people, because there is something to be said for 41 years of friendship…even if it was absent for decades.
Princess Dragonfly,
I’m glad you are back in my life.
Love, Duchess Fleur de Lis
Dearest Duchess Fleur de Lis;
I have spent the last day and a half working on two posts regarding the wonderful and wonder-filled moments we shared those past few days. The one I finally decided on and finally went to “press” (very late) included Tom, the concert, and his untimely departure from this earth. The other? You shall need to wait and see; although it will not be a week or two. This is my solemn Ya-Ya promise to you. It does mention cooking and gardening, though.
Regardless of whether our wonderful time spent together had anything to do with my psychic ability is irrelevant. What is relevant is the fact that our paths in life went in different directions for a long while, they have once again intersected. As all of the Ya-Ya paths, all of whom I love dearly.
There are no regrets; only a dull ache in my heart; such as when one losses a loved one. For you; my BFF/Ya-Ya/soul sister… you are well loved.
Love,
Princess Dragonfly
(PS… We are not lushes people!
)
I’m in the same position. most of my friends are far away. Actually, most are cyber friends I’ve never actually met. (Yet.) Of the few I have here in town, none of them are martini lunch friends or people I call “just because”. I miss it. I miss having a best friend. I am currently best friendless, far or near. I feel sort of misplaced. I need some Ya Yas.
Brenda, it doesn’t matter if you two are lushes or not.
Elisa´s last blog ..Ass! On Ice!!
So glad you and Princess Dragonfly realized that even though years pass and you lose touch, it’s never too late to reconnect and build something beautiful. You are lucky to have each other.
I don’t have any coffee friends either…I definitely understand where you are coming from.
TheKitchenWitch´s last blog ..The Absence of Friendship
Good morning, ladies. Princess Dragonfly again; yes, I realize this is the blog our the Duchess (sorry, BFF for horning in here), but as I’ve been shall we put it quite delicately… ‘A Hard Days’ Night.’
Elisa and TKW; I truly empathize with both of you. We have all been there and done that. You will find those you all connect with, have fun with, and find your own best Ya-Ya’s. Until then? I will consider you my cyber-yaya. Remember! You never know who reads your blogs; yet doesn’t comment. ;-D
I’m stalking, and stalking. Not yet calling on Dr. J; though. I am no lush. LOL! Actually, I’ve been working on yet another blog. My life? Interesting. Always interesting.
Huge hugs to both of you, beautiful ladies;
Princess Dragonfly
what a great post. Im only 23 and have 2 kids. I had many friends throughout school, most of them were basically just people that i knew, i guess not really great friends Ive had some friends who i though were good friends who just ended up making my life miserable for me and my child for a bit. I feel the lack of friends every day. It sucks especially when your life revolves around your kids, and you have basically no adult interaction. I have become best friends with my sister in law and we text each other and talk all day long every day, but she lives 7 hours away so its just not the same. I to would love a “coffee buddy” or a group of “ya yas” I like to hope that when my life calms down i can some how find new friends , how a grown up finds new friends is beyond me but someday i hope to have that special friend to share things with. even if it is some coffee or 2 or 3 bottles of wine! have a great day, thanks so sharing!
Amanda Weiglein´s last blog ..The Absence of Friendship
Princess Dragonfly,
Agreed….we are not lushes, but a lot of very good wine, daiquiris and Arnold Palmers were enjoyed! And all that matters is that our paths have crossed again. And you and Rich probably shouldn’t buy that property across the road. As you said, we could get into a lot of trouble.
Elisa,
Maybe we should get t-shirts that say “Currently best friendless” on the front and “Please be my friend. Martinis will be supplied”
TKW,
I wonder how one sets up coffee dates via the internet?
Elisa and TKW,
You can see why she is my BFF!
Amanda,
Another friend of mine pointed out the importance of women and their girlfriends. Women need girlfriends because that is where we process life, solve problems and offer each other support. I think we are incredibly lucky to have the ability to have cyber friends because if we didn’t have modern technology, we would have no one. Imagine what it would have been like for the pioneer women. They packed up their families and travelled across country, never to see their family and girlfriends again. Maybe snail mail occasionally. I think girlfriends are what make us stronger as women. I have been fairly girlfriendless for almost three decades, that is why reconnecting with friends from my past has been so important to me. And much more precious.
Don’t worry that you won’t find friends locally. When your kids start school you will start to meet other women just like you. You will be surprised how much you already have in common with them.
Another fabulous post Duchess. I believe Princess Dragonfly’s gift may be rubbing off on you as you read my mind today. Much love.
Duchess Ocean Waves
L, that t shirt reminded me of “Come to the dark side. We have cookies.”
Internet coffee….should be an at least once a year “meet in the middle” and extend to a long weekend. Vodka and ice cream optional.
Elisa´s last blog ..Ass! On Ice!!
I love you Duchess Ocean Waves!!! I told everyone we had cool names and hats. I guess I will have to write a post about our hats now. I do have pictures!
Elisa,
Ooh, we could make vodka ice cream!
HHAHAHA!!! Beware Lanita and the ice cream machine. I’ll say no more, other than she makes a very mean ice cream. So soft, so creamy; it truly feels as though it’s melting into your tongue. Savor it, smell it…. Ahhhh!
T-shirts; my brain is now a whirling dervish of ideas; along with the other hilarious suggestions such as slogans .
My own personal favorite( and it is mine, but run with it girls…”Willing to buy friendship for cookies and/ or booze!’) I even envision it as two sided and I am loving what I imagine.
Duchess OCW; I know you are referring to my fun, quirky sense of humor!
Lanita, my BFF; for the sake of various family members; best that we not refer to ‘pioneer people; shall we? *wink*
I have so many songs; I could close this post with? But different ages, different tastes… so ladies? Your mission is to pick your very own!
Friends are essential. Proverbs 17:17 says “A friend loves at all times, and is born, as is a brother, for adversity.”
I’m like you, don’t have many local friends. Do have many fabulous cyberpals though, including you. Maybe I should look you up when I’m in your neck of the woods!!
TP
Tammy´s last blog ..27 Dresses
Absolutely!!! We could have coffee!